So I’ve been thinking..

So I’ve been thinking about it and realised why, blogging has been both something that I am drawn to and yet something that I am wary of. I am primarily drawn to it because I love to write and I have something to say.. about everything. You name it I have an opinion.. But more than this I have a burning desire to contribute something to the world whilst I am here. I am European, I live a privileged life, I have had a privileged existence, a good childhood, loving parents a great education. I tell the kids I teach today that we are not just the richest people in the world, but the richest people in the history of mankind.. We live such comfortable and convenient lives and yet..

.. and yet there is such horror in the world. Wars and famines are horrific, but I am more affected in truth by the lack of compassion that I feel is on the rise in this brand spanking new millennium. I rage over the many, many politicians claiming nationalism and practising fascism. Speaking of sinking boatloads of refugees in the Mediterranean ocean as if they weren’t even human. As if calling their god by another name makes them any less our brethren. I often cry at this injustice, this lack of empathy, but I have to hide it. For some reason, if I cry while watching the news, or at seeing a three year old little girl drowned, while fleeing war and starvation on the news, my dear family look at me, as if I were the one who is mad..! This confuses me somewhat, as I cannot understand how it is possible to see and know these things and not feel the burning urge to DO SOMETHING about it. I do however see the point, that my crying is not helping anyone, and quite frankly neither is my raging about things, but I take comfort from perhaps George Orwell’s quote about ‘ it not being a sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Any way.. so that was a tangent!

Speaking of tangents and getting back to why I am conflicted about blogging, I am a pretty private person and I am completely honest almost all the time. In other words – I have no filter. Having no filter is a blessing and a burden, it forces me into a place of honesty, because if you aren’t filtering what you are saying, then you’d better be telling the truth! But also, if you are going to be telling the truth, you had better be thinking nice things, or things can get pretty tense pretty quickly.

Then there is the whole Orwellian paranoia, about putting too much of myself out there/here.. but it is time for me to be doing other things, so that will have to wait until next time… If anyone is out there reading this, then thanks I guess, for giving my ramblings your time.

all and nothing

I’ve always wanted to tell stories, but when it comes to it, I never have anything to say..

Ask me anything and I’ll have an answer – Little Miss Know It All, Braniac, The Mad Professor (my personal favourite), but when it comes to teaching I realise, that I don’t really know anything at all. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, amounting to a whole lot of nothing is how it feels.

Other people tell me, that I am too hard on myself, but it’s not really being hard on yourself, if you know that you could/should do better if only.. what? What is it that is missing, what essential ingredient, what is the key to finding true purpose, meaning?

I spent my twenties on a hunt for the meaning of life, of an absolute truth, just one single pure thought, concept. Maybe I asked the wrong people, perhaps I asked the wrong questions. I narrowed things down and settled on kindness as a sufficient overall direction for lack of better.

Kindness is wonderful medicine, nice to receive, but even better to give. I wish more people realised this. There is nothing better when you feel like shit, than being kind to others.

Where am I going with this? I keep reminding myself, that this is a public blog, surely there should also be a purpose then to this.. There ought to be, there probably is, but as yet it eludes me.

Dear patient stranger, if you have read this far, then I guess that I feel, that I owe you a point.

Oh well, maybe next time x